Today's bullying is sneakier and more insidious than giving someone a black eye or shoving him around on the playground. Knowing the signs of a problem can prevent it from getting out of hand and doing permanent damage to both you and your child.
3. Bullying is psychological. "A lot of people, when they think of bullying, think of boys," says Dr. Marshall. The classic scenario: a bigger kid taking a smaller kid's lunch money and shoving him in a locker. "Boys tend to do physical bullying: ‘I'm bigger than you, I'm tougher than you, I'm stronger than you, I can beat you down,'" she explains. "Girls don't do it quite the same way. They're the ones who are going to exclude a girl from their social circle, who are going to gossip and spread rumors and make her feel socially isolated. It's a little more insidious than, say, punching someone in the face — but it can be just as damaging, if not more so."
Parent pointer: Marshall suggests working with your child to develop strategies for coping with the bullying. "Try to put the bullying in perspective," she advises. "You can do practice scenarios at home, where your child learns how to ignore a bully. Or you can help your child identify teachers and friends who can come to their aid." In general, she says, it's a good idea to ask for help. "Many schools already have prevention programs in place. You can also discuss your concerns with your child's pediatrician or a mental health specialist. And if your child is receiving threatening messages, contact the local police."
4. Bullying isn't always obvious. "If a child comes home with a black eye, parents are going to ask questions: What happened? Did someone do that to you?" Marshall says. But with psychological or emotional bullying, kids won't necessarily have such clear-cut evidence of abuse. Which is not to say that there aren't scars — only that they aren't as visible. "Victims of bullying are at risk of depression and anxiety, psychosomatic complaints like headaches and belly pain, and poor school performance," notes Marshall. "In extreme cases, they can even commit suicide. So it can be deadly."
Parent pointer: If you suspect that your child is being bullied, she says, ask yourself these questions: "Is he all of a sudden having trouble sleeping, eating less, or feeling more anxious than usual? Is he reluctant to go to school? Does he have any unusual bruising or damaged clothing? If you notice that he is sad, tearful, depressed, or withdrawn, you need to get help right away."
Many kids are actually ashamed or feel humiliated that they're being bullied and may not want to tell a grown-up about their abuse, Marshall adds, so if you suspect a problem, don't wait for your child to bring it up. Sit down with her and try to get her to open up to you about her experiences. Be supportive, not accusatory, and make sure she knows that the bullying is not her fault — nor is it a reflection of her worth as a person.
5. Bullying is far-reaching. "Bullying has been around forever, but cyber bullying has taken it to a whole new level," Marshall says. Rumors, for example, don't just get spread through school hallways and classrooms — they go viral online. "And because these things live in cyberspace forever and reach so many more kids, the consequences can be even greater," she explains.
Dealing with those consequences early is important for your child's well-being. "These can be scars for life if they aren't dealt with when they happen," Marshall warns. "You see women in their twenties and thirties who still remember being the victim in school, and that sort of affects all of their interpersonal relationships well into adulthood."
Parent pointer: The easiest way to help? Talk. "A lot of times, girls sort of become withdrawn and hold it in, and that's what can lead to anxiety and depression and more dire consequences," Marshall says. "Just getting the topic on the table and having a dialogue about it can do wonders, not only to kids who are being victimized, but to kids who are doing the victimizing — to let them know that this is an issue and these are the consequences."
For more on how to prevent bullying, tune in to Everyday Health, hosted by Laila Ali, on October 15 or 16 on your local ABC station.
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